i have become everyone's dumping ground. any problem that people have must be known by me. there are so many things i know that i want to tell other people but can't. i make the promise to keep it a secret and i do, no matter how much it eats me from the inside out. i've got my own issues, my own stuff to deal with, i really don't need it to be multiplied by friends' issues. especially when the same issue comes from multiple people. i know both sides of the story but i can't let one side know how the other thinks slash feels and it's driving me mad. this will not be one of those things that works itself out naturally. i know that. i just wish it would. this issue has been morphing and evolving for way too long. it's high time it goes away. but it won't be easy for anyone involved :/

my itunes is on shuffle.
it plays a good song.
then another.
then another.
then another.
etc.
then this one where i'm like "wtf what is up with this chick's voice?! she sounds sickly"
so i go see what it is
it's the hush sound
right after itunes played another one of their songs
both songs were from goodbye blues which was ALWAYS hit or miss for me
kinda makes me realize how far away from that style of music i've moved...

with you and your "i've had it"s

lj is my new ranting place

a teacher wished me a merry christmas today. a teacher that I DO NOT HAVE. it struck me as a little bit odd. whatever happened to oversensitivity and being "politically correct"? the school system has to say happy holidays but it's perfectly fine for them to put a big ass christmas tree in the fron office? uhhhhh bullshit.

i was gonna post something else on here because no one but samantha reads the shit i put up here but just my luck the person/people i really DON'T want to read it will read it. because things NEVER go my way in this situation. fml :|

Apparently, everyone else is right about my artwork and I am wrong. For the past couple of days in class, we've been doing this realy cool project where we draw lines all over our paper with three different colors of oil pastel. You then paint in all of the shapes with watercolors, either in warm or cool colors, but you do five shapes in the oppostie scheme. Then you draw two curved lines across your paper in black oil pastel, cut the paper into three equal pieces, then you mix them up and glue them to another sheet of paper. It's really cool...and mine looked really good. But then today, we drew the lines across our paper. If you wanted to use a different color and could justify it to Ms. West, you didn't have to use black. I didn't want to use black because I had used black for some of my lines AND most of my painting was really dark. Ms. West told me that I should just go ahead with the black, that it'd look really good. So I did. And I was freaking terrified when I went to put pastel to paper. I just had this gut feeling that it would look horrible. And it does. The black looks horrible.... I showed it to Ms. West, and she said that I should make the lines darker and more bold. So I did. It still looked horrible. I pretty much break down. I was SO incredibly happy with how it looked before...and now it's got two thick black lines across it. I love the shape of my lines, but I just wish I could've done them in, like, white or a bright red-orange or something. I told Ms. West that I STILL think it looks horrible. She told me that it was EXACTLY the kind of thing that she wanted us to do and that it looks amazing. Everyone but me likes it. And now I freaking terrified that she's gonna hang it up.... This isn't the first piece we've done that I despise, but it's the first one that I want to literally rip up. The other ones that I've hated were just polar opposites of my comfort zone. This one is right up my alley. She just wouldn't let me change it so I wouldn't fuck it up. And it's "amazing". I don't really care a whole lot what other people think about it. I'm freaking miserable with it. I think it's horrible. I wish I didn't have to sign my name on it...ugh. And I'm half-expecting for her to ask me about it tomorrow. Like do I like it now that I've had time away from it to think about it and junk. If she asks me that, it's definately gonna be a 'no'. I don't care if she's the teacher, I'm the freaking artist. If I think it looks bad, I REALLY don't want to be reminded of it...and I REALLY want to find someway to scrape off that stupid black pastel.... I was thinking that maybe the blunt end of an xacto knife would work, but that'd pull off some of the pastels I used in the first part of the project...and she wouldn't let me do that anyways. But I think I should be able to. It's MY art. In the end, it should be MY decision, right?

I know they did in elementary school. Teachers mentioned them all the time. But now people seem to have forgotten about them. People ignore any mention of them, and use their opposite EVERYWHERE. It doesn't mater where they are, they just don't really care. What am I talking about?
















INDOOR VOICES. 

I live three miles away from my school. If you didn't follow the streets and just went the shortest distance, it'd probably still be a good two miles or so. And apparently, we can hear the stadium from here. My mom said that she's been hearing it for years, but this is the first time I've ever heard it...and we've lived in this house for ELEVEN years. The school has been there for 50...and it's not like there's brand-new speakers or anything...and it's not louder than usual because I swear I haven't heard ANY of the games before...not even last year's homecoming.... It's just kinda weird really....  And I mean...for as long as I can remember, I've been able to hear when a train passes by on the tracks that are, like, five miles away. I get kinda freaked out about some things, so hearing what seems to be a faint voice in my backyard isn't realy very pleasant.... Although, from time to time, I hear what I believe to be the drumline...and I like the drumline.... I'm wondering if I missed halftime...probably.... According to my mom, you can hear the marching band play...and I wanted to try to hear that...because in my opinion, the band geeks are the cool people ;)